6 Months and Counting

For the last six months I have been trying to recover from the nightmarish events of October 15, 2008. It has been a long road. And I'm still not at the end. But a "New Normal" has emerged in my life. There is still a big hole and it will never, no matter what, be filled.

I remember after the accident whenever a new day started, thinking "How, how can this be? How can life go on?" And I just wanted to crawl up in my bed and stay there, hoping time would stand still. But I knew that would never happen. So I got up and went to work. That was probably one of the hardest things to do. And as much as I hated being away from my other two boys, I knew if I stayed home I would fall into the depths of despair. I knew that if I went to work my mind would be distracted. So I went.

So many things have worked out for the best for me that it is amazing. God is watching and even though he had different plans that I did, he was watching out for me and helping me along, preparing me for what was to happen. I finished school in time to get a job just months before the accident. It would have been disastrous to be home doing daycare afterwards. I had been offered several jobs before I took the one I did. If I had accepted any of the other jobs there is no way I would have been able to take 2 1/2 weeks off after the accident. And as hard as it was to work after the accident it was probably in my best interest to work full-time; it provided a good distraction. Several months later I happened across a part-time accounting job and applied for that. And I was lucky enough to be offered that job. I am able to be home with my boys after school.

We have also done some other things. Calvin loved the Junior High. He had so many friends and had matured so much in the last year or two. We really wanted to do something for the school in his remembrance. A few months after the accident we visited with the Principal. After some discussion we decided it would be good to have a display case built for the school. At first that sounds kind of dumb. But after brainstorming we really liked the display case idea the best. It would be a permanent fixture that would benefit the school for many years. Their current display cases are full and it would be nice to have more room.

We also finally picked out and ordered a headstone for his grave. For months I would think about it and couldn't bring myself to go and pick something out. "This couldn't be my life. There is no way I should be picking out a headstone for my child." It was such a finalization. I just couldn't bear the thought of it. But we finally went last month and did it. It will take a few months since they had to special order the stone. They said it might, might, be ready for Memorial Day, but it can't be promised. I was fine with that. I didn't care about the day, I just wanted it to be right.

So while things haven't been what I planned for my life we seem to be doing pretty good. And most thankfully the other two boys seem to be doing great considering. They seem to have adjusted to our "New Normal."

Calvin's Plaque

This week Olaf had a plaque made to put on Calvin's grave. He then had his friend weld together a stand so we could put it in the ground. We did this because we wanted something to be at Calvin's gravesite until we decide what we want to put on a headstone and then have it made. And picking out a headstone for your child is something no parent should ever have to do but far too many parents have done. Just thinking about it creates chaos in my head and I can't concentrate and even think about what would be perfect for Calvin. When we get something picked out I will post it so everyone can see it. In the bottom picture you can see some of the things that others have left at his grave. I think it's neat that others come to see him. I'm glad that he touched so many other people's lives.