I've been having lots of different kinds of thoughts lately and I was beginning to think I was going a little crazy. I've only known one person close to me that has died and that was a long time ago. I really didn't know what was normal. And, yes I know, nothing is normal about grieving. But I was worried and confused about how I was feeling. Olaf, being the considerate husband he is, made an appointment with a counselor so we could talk about things. He told me "It went against every man bone in my body."
We had absolutely no idea what to expect. Olaf works with a bunch of therapists and considers most of it pointless and useless. But he wanted to make me happy. We both went together and were kind of a little worried about talking to a stranger about personal feelings, but I at least knew I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling.
We were pleasantly surprised by this visit. It was very helpful. I was worried about different things than Olaf and he had no idea I was worried about the things I was concerned about. For one, I was worried that I wasn't sad enough or crying enough (I'm not much of a crier to begin with) or depressed enough. I would catch myself having fun and joking around and then I would question myself "How can you be happy at all? How can you laugh?" I was also concerned that I wasn't caught up with any guilt that I should have been a better Mother. But once again I don't believe in the "Mother Guilt Syndrome" that plagues our nation. I think it puts way too much pressure on people and I just don't need that in my life. But I was worried because it's glorified to lay in bed for weeks and bemoan the fact that we're not better people and always feel guilty for not doing something differently. Olaf had no idea I thought these things and I informed him they're Woman Worries, definitely not Man Thoughts.
The therapist told me that it was good I was not caught up in the "Mother Guilt Syndrome" because it's not healthy. He said it's healthy for me to be happy and laugh and joke around. He reassured me that I'm dealing with Calvin's untimely death in a very healthy manner. I will still have days when I wish the world would cave in on me, but not every day anymore. When we left I felt like I had a new lease on life, I WAS allowed to be happy again. I didn't know if I'd ever get to that point again but it's finally come and I don't want to be depressed all the time. That doesn't mean I won't be depressed some days but I get to be happy most of the time. That knowledge alone made me happy.