Eat Your Heart Out Hollywood

My new place of employment has a Coke machine. Not a vending machine with cans of coke for $.50 or even bottles of coke for $1, but a fountain machine with several options including Diet Coke! And depositing change in the "Soda Money" box is optional. So if I forget to bring myself a Diet Coke to work, it's already there.

This working 8am to 1pm is wonderful! I love getting home before the kids so I can workout. I am going to lose ten pounds. Or at least pretend to all of you that I'm a hot, workout machine. I am going to become the hottest, newest, latest Rockstar Wife. And then I will be all snotty to them and not invite them to my parties and snub my nose at them at school functions. And they will clamor around me begging for my latest "home party" invitation so they can buy jewelry or makeup or candles.

The next best thing I can do with my free time is clean house like a banshee. I will have the perfectest house in Utah County. I will look like I live in a museum with the perfect accessories from Pottery Barn and the most beautiful flowers in several vases strategically placed throughout the house. My children will have the prettiest playroom and Pottery Barn will ask to use my playroom in their next catalog. And I'll never ever let my kids play with anything because that would just mess things up and I can't have a messy house anymore.

And the next best thing is to involve my children in a few more activities. I must try to bring out all their talents. If we don't excel in everything I am going to be held accountable on Judgment Day for wasting my children's talents. I must involve them in piano, violin, all sports (especially baseball, I do live in Spanish Fork), acting, art, dance, singing, and definitely organ, you never know when my child will be the last organist in their congregation and he will be able to bring joy every Sunday to the church.

Lastly I will need to do more baking and cooking. I need to hone those baking talents of mine. I will practice making the perfect pie filling, cookies, brownies, cake, and frosting. I will become the food guru in my neighborhood. Everyone will call me for the latest hip ingredients and cooking styles. I will also be able to relay to everyone how to use their wheat and beans in new and delicious dishes so everyone will be able to live off their food storage for two years. Everyone will be on my doorstep on that fateful day when we have no choice but to eat our food storage and I will be ready with recipes and cooking classes for the masses.


Ferrara Family said...

I'm loving it!!!!

sally said...

I can only come to two conclusion on this most horrible of posts.

1. I'm just not visiting anymore.

2. You had an especially enjoyable fast & testimony meeting on Sunday. Oh how I do long for those Spanish Fork Testimony meetings - they really bring out the freaky in Mormon.

Anyway you suck. You can't loose 10 pounds till I officially stop having kids and stop looking FAT!!

Donna said...

Couldn't help but make fun of Utah County! Gotta poke fun at what I live amongst every day.

quilts and quirks said...

I am looking for those home storage recipes. Any (that are eatable) will do. But, I guess we could live on my black olives, tuna and beans in the cupboards. I do have a variety of beans. We'll get our exercise in washing the clothes. But, what am I to do: our HOV doesn't allow clothes lines!!

the HeartTongues said...

i've already told you...i'm waaayyyyy behind on reading your blog. :-}

absolutely LOVE your take on Utah County, Utah Mormons, etc.!! :)