United Electronics, Inc.

My electronics are uniting against me and to stop it I need your help!

My phone has a dirty mind. It's got one of those fancy qwerty keyboards (now that I typed it I know how they got the name) with two letters per key. I didn't want one of those huge phones, they're not as cute, so I got a regular sized phone with two letters per key. Just now I tried to type 'busy' but got 'bust.' I know that's not really very dirty but the other day I misspelled something and got 'dick.' That's not a very nice word and 'noon' always turns into 'boob.' I'm not quite sure how my phone got into my subconscious, but it did. And it's only finding the naughty stuff I try to keep hidden!

My DVR doesn't know the difference between a 'New' episode and a 'Rerun.' I've got all my shows set to record only 'New' episodes but every other day I have to clear off a bunch of reruns in order to make room for more 'New' episodes of my favorite shows. Now I just need to find time to watch all the shows piling up. I thought maybe Monday would have been a good day to get caught up, a day off of work and all. But no, the kids requested a 'Family Day.' So instead of sitting home and catching up on The Office (haven't seen an episode since October) we went Ice Skating and then when I had a few minutes I got caught up on 'UFO Hunters' and '24.' Then of course I picked up a new show last night, 'Fringe.' We'll see if it makes it through three episodes or not. Last year I thought I would like the show 'Women's Murder Club.' But it didn't pass muster. I'm trying to watch more TV but it's hard when I only have a few hours at night to get everything done. I really hope I don't mess up that New Year's Goal.

My fridge's water and ice no longer work. And the cost to fix it is astronomical (considering the fridge is 10 years old) compared to buying a newer, Energy-Star, stainless steel finish fridge. The promises of lower utility bills is so tantalizing. And the lust that new, beautiful, colorful, overly-gadgetized appliances inspire in us! Those crazy Whirlpool commercials with half-naked anorexic girls swirling in ribbons and water to make us lust after the newest Washer and Dryer set. (If any men bother to read this, STOP DROOLING NOW!)

To top it off, the alarm on my bedside clock occasionally changes from AM to PM without any notice. Granted the clock is probably 13 years old or older and I could upgrade. But what's to upgrade to? It has big numerals so I can see it easily (now that I'm getting old and my eyes are deteriorating), it has two alarms, and it has a radio so I don't have to wake to that nightmarish beep beep beep beep beep beep. But maybe it would be good to make a change to a newer clock. They probably don't cost as much as they did 13 years ago, as long as I don't get a cd player (already outdated) or ipod dock. Then I would just have to get a real ipod. I think I'll just stick with the old-fashioned digital alarm clock. It's so much more reliable. Oh wait, it's not. That was the problem in the first place.

And then there's the computer. At work today a window popped up when I tried to log on, "Password expires in 19 days. Do you want to change it now?" Of course not! I'm going to use that password until the last possible day. If I switch it now I'll have to think of a new one 19 days sooner than if I wait until the last day. Now that I got all my passwords finally synced and memorized, I have to change them. I only hope I can toggle between two different passwords, otherwise I'll never be able to think up enough different passwords. Thank goodness the computer at home doesn't make me change passwords or I'd be in a world of hurt.

If anyone has any solutions to stopping the electronics and appliances from ganging up on me I'd love to hear it. I feel like I'm being passed by with the technology advances. I guess this is how the grandparents felt when the computers came around.